This is my pitiful attempt to be the “responsible parent” and talk to my 15 year old little sister about “The Birds and the Bees.”

Vince: So did mom and dad give you “The Birds and the Bees” talk yet?
Lil Sis: What?
Vince: “The Birds and the Bees”?
Lil Sis: What the hell is that?
Vince: You haven’t heard of “The Birds and the Bees”?
Lil Sis: No….
Vince: Well……. Ummmmm……. See it’s…….. ahhhh….. OH, we’ll look it up online!

(After typing it up on good ol’ Google)

Vince: hmmmm… oh, Urban Dictionary! Can’t go wrong there….

1. The Birds and the Bees

Mom- Honey, we need to talk.
Daughter- Mom, I DON’T want the ‘birds and the bees’ talk.
Mom- But you need to know not to have sex. You could get pregnant and die!
Daughter- We’re JUST going to a friend’s house for a small get-together.
Mom- Are there going to be a lot of boys there?
Daughter- No Mom, it’s a nun club.

Lil Sis: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Vince: Yeah Urban Dictionary is golden; I’ve put some stuff in it (look for “The Simba”)
Lil Sis: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Vince: Do you know what the Urban Dictionary is?
Lil Sis: No
Vince: Well it’s pretty much like a Wiki, where people just put in stuff. It’s mostly used for slang words and phrases. Like…… “Superman that hoe” You know that from the song right?
Lil Sis: What song?
Vince: (in horrible out of tune voice and making up the lyrics I really don’t understand) It’s the “why we cranky why we roll, why we dampy why we ohhhh, Superman that hoe! Now why do youuuuuuuuuu crank that soldiah boy, why do youuuuuuuuuu…”
Lis Sis: Oh yeah I heard that, I hate that song! It’s annoying (*thank god she’s not ghetto…*)

(I then proceed to type “Superman that Hoe” on Urban Dictionary and here’s what comes out….)

1. Superman that Hoe

“Dude, tonight, im totally going to superman that hoe.

Lil Sis: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww
Vince: So anywayz, on a more serious note….. be safe and use protection if and when you’re ever gonna have sex. Lots of diseases and stuff out there. Use a condom.
Lil Sis: Isn’t that for boys?
Vince: HAHAHAHAHA, well yeah, use it on your partner.
Lil Sis: I saw a condom before, in (my other brother’s) room. I read the instructions on the back coz I was curious.
Vince: I have a condom in my drawer; wanna to see it?
Lil Sis: NO! Have you ever watched porn? You probably do huh?
Vince: Everyone watches porn.
Lil Sis: I watched porn by accident, I was looking at (my other brother’s) computer and I clicked something by mistake and then I started wondering what kind of movie was playing and then OH MY GOD! And then I closed it…
Vince: HAHAHAHAHA so anywayz, don’t just give away your “special gift” to anyone, find someone special.
Lil Sis: What’s a “special gift?”
Vince: Oh, it’s what some old hags who never get laid call their virginity…
Lil Sis: I already have someone special (later on she told me this was a joke)
Vince: Oh ok, well just whore yourself out then…..

There I was at the peak of my career. I had just won two Oscars, seven Golden Globes, a Grammy, my third NBA Championship as well as my fourth Finals MVP, the Martin Luther King award for heroism, received my fifth Pulitzer Prize, my third Nobel Prize and was Playboy’s Playmate of the Year, again. But then I left it all behind, for what? Why? Well this is my story.

*Itch*

As a young man learning karate on filthy streets of La Jolla, I had to learn to survive on my own. It wasn’t easy growing up in that town. I remember a time when I had to eat my caviar without champagne… it was brutal! Somehow, I was able to make it through.

*Itch* *Itch*

I was only a child when I first had to fight off the dreaded paparazzi. It wasn’t easy being a child actor slash model slash football rising star. *Itch* *Itch* *Itch* Today, I look back and realize that my spirit, my very innermost being, who I am today is because of those dreaded days when I had to walk down that catwalk with shoes half a size too big. *Itch**Itch**Itch**Itch* And those nights I had to stay up all night because I had a rock concert where I needed to fill I for the sick guitarist or…. *Itch**Itch**Itch**Itch**Itch**Itch**Itch**Itch**Itch**Itch**Itch**Itch**Itch**Itch**Itch*

WHAT THE F*** IS THAT ITCHING!!!!

Oh, it was just a dream…. Damn mosquitoes!!! Where the hell am I? I got mosquito bites everywhere!!! Oh yeah, I’m in the Philippines.

In San Diego, the only things I couldn’t keep off me were girls…. Or was that a dream too….? DAMNIT!

I keep my eyes on the ball, my feet shoulder width apart, knees
slightly bent, left arm held straight, firm grip on my Five Iron and
then I swing away at the driving range. It’s a good hit for a beginner,
I make it over 100 yards, then I look back down, and there’s another
ball already waiting for me.

Next to the ball sits my lovely ball-girl, Chrislin, who’s sole purpose
for the next hour is to sit next to my golfing mat and make sure
there’s always a ball there right after I swing. No, I’m not a
millionaire and no, I’m not a pimp (though some may think differently);
the only thing different about me is that I am currently living in the
Philippines.

I’ve always wanted someone to be in charge of my balls.

I wonder what her resume looks like…

V.P. of Balls – City Golf Manila, Philippines 2006 – 2008

• Managed the proficient handling of clients’ balls to ensure a proper and timely stroke
• Responsible for customers’ balls; making certain they are tended to and cared for
• Trained over 30 interns on the importance and procedures for effective ball handling
• Ensured customer satisfaction

Let me re-emphasize the hilarity of this moment. I paid about 400 Pesos
or about 10 American Dollars for unlimited golf balls at a driving
range. With the balls, comes a tiny little Filipino girl who sits
inches away from my swinging Five Iron to place my golf balls on the
mat for me. Ghetto Superstar, that is what you are… well, that is what
I are… I mean I am… you get it!

No wait, it gets better; out of nowhere, these cardboard ninjas take
over the field. There must have been hundreds of them… well ok, maybe
just three, but it TOTALLY looked like there were hundreds… Anyway, I
start asking my friend what the hell those things are, and he says that
they’re the people who pick up the golf balls from the driving range.
Let me break it down for you, people who wear these huge cardboard
shields on one side, go out there with buckets and pick up the golf
balls from the driving range, one by one. And I was complaining about
my job at Burger King…

So Alvin, Simon and Theodore (yes, I named the cardboard ninjas after
the chipmunks) are out there picking up balls and Chrislin, my
ball-girl is sitting next to my swinging club. I couldn’t help but
realize how different of a place I’m in. I also couldn’t help but to
realize how much we tend to take for granted.

This article is meant to poke fun at the simplicities and commonalities
in everyday life that is often overlooked. It’s really eye opening
after coming back and living in a culture where people are DESPERATE
for a job. The economy is really poor here and people are struggling
just to survive. Hopefully one day, I can somehow make this world a
better place than when I found it; but for now, we’ll laugh at
ourselves and realize how spoiled, pampered and lucky we are to be able
to complain about our jobs that allow us to live a very comfortable
lifestyle.

In our lifetime, the normal human being tends to accumulate more questions than answers. Some answers are simply not comprehensible to our feeble minds (Why are we here? Were my ancestors really monkeys? How the hell did she do that with her tongue?); while other questions we simply choose not to find the answers (Why does it burn when I pee? Am I a loser? Are those just allergies down there? No really, why does it burn like that?).

In the midst of all the chaos, one uncertainty stands out from the rest – “the meaning of life?”

Throughout the spiritual journeys I have engaged in, from holistic yoga classes at my gym to soul searching 3am munchie runs at 7-11, I have slowly come to an understanding of this universal query, and it’s really not that complicated.

You’re here to “BE.” That’s it. No confusing algorithm, destiny, purpose or anything confusing like that. Just be. Be what? I don’t know, but be something! I think the trick is to stop worrying, but Mary Schmich says it best in her column (people think that Baz Luhrman wrote this):

“Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.”

So instead, live life as if you have nothing holding you back. Ask yourself, “What would I do if I weren’t afraid?”

It has been proven time and again by big Hollywood movies (the most reliable sources of course) that the villains with absolutely nothing to lose are the deadliest of them all. This is because with nothing holding them back, it is nearly impossible to hinder their drive and hunger.

Thus, by going on in life without fear, you are able to unleash your inner self; just don’t fall into the dark side like that dude in Star Wars. It is then that you become one with the universe and maybe even find out the name to that girl who could do that thing with her tongue (how the hell did she do that anyway?!)…

From the movie “Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life”

Lady Presenter: Well, that’s the end of the film. Now, here’s the meaning of life.
[She is handed a gold-wrapped booklet.]
Lady Presenter: Thank you, Brigitte.
[She clears her throat, then unwraps and examines the gilt booklet.]
Lady Presenter: Well, it’s nothing very special. Uh, try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations. And, finally, here are some completely gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the censors and to hopefully spark some sort of controversy, which, it seems, the only way, these days, to get the jaded, video-sated public off their fucking arses and back in the sodding cinema. Family entertainment, bollocks! What they want is filth! People doing things to each other with chainsaws during Tupperware parties. Babysitters being stabbed with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates. Vigilante groups strangling chickens, armed bands of theatre critics exterminating mutant goats… Where’s the fun in pictures? Oh, well, there we are. Here’s the theme music. Goodnight.

Two weeks ago, a superior officer to myself assigned me the task of “Operation Homework.” It is a vital piece of the main mission objective for “Operation Graduation.” I was given this task at exactly 1600 Pacific Time two weeks ago from today and its completion is expected by tomorrow. Two minutes ago, I started my task.

Whether it’s talking like I’m in the military or hitting the “refresh” button on my Facebook page 10 times per second, there’s always something that distracts me from what I really need to be doing. I should be doing homework, but instead, I’m watching videos of babies giving the evil eye or looking for anime porn (the artistry of this truly astonishes me). Finally, when it’s time for me to actually check my Facebook account and leave funny messages to keep in touch with old friends, I get distracted from that too and end up folding my socks! I swear, whatever it is I absolutely need to be doing, it’s not getting done!

I blame the monkeys for this! The damn monkeys in my closet that taunt me and haunt my dreams. The damn monkeys that call me at three in the morning asking if I know of any cool after parties. The damn monkeys that draw my eyes to different places when I should actually be focused on my freaking homework! The damn monkeys that…. Oh…. hey…. someone just wrote on my wall….. haha, it was Michelle… I miss you too sweety… oh but anyway…. where was I, oh yeah, them damn monkeys!

I’ve come to the conclusion that if I want something done, it has to be of the lowest priority. If I don’t need to do it, well then by-golly, it will get done!

So really professors, you need to stop assigning me homework… maybe taking a different route would suffice better. Maybe try SUGGESTING homework, like one of those: “What do you want to eat? – I don’t know, whatever” types of homework where you go: “What do you want to do for your first IDS180 suggestive homework? – I don’t know, whatever.”

Haha, sorry, just got back. I went skateboarding around the block while contemplating the meaning of life. I’ve realized that life really isn’t that complicated. I think I can absolutely define life and its purpose now in one simple sentence….. Life is really just…. Oh hey!….. someone commented on my picture…… hahahaha oh Chris, you tall funny monkey you…… no I wasn’t that drunk……

So where was I, oh yes, the monkeys, the evil-doers that prevent me from completing my tasks. Every time I seem to get going with my chores, I get a tap from the angel monkey on my right shoulder, asking me to go look up some funny Jesus jokes, followed by a tap by the devil monkey on my left shoulder, asking me to look up some dirty Jesus jokes. You just can’t win.

So now, I’ve decided to take control of myself! I am strong! I am independent! I am going to get a quick snack and then go to the gym. Let me just grab a banana then….. wait….. where did my bananas go?!?!!? Mother@#*$^%#$!!!! Someone took my last banana!!!……………… damn monkeys.

http://vinceg.wordpress.com/

10. They sell cigarettes and candies by the piece.

(A whole pack is waaaaaay too expensive for some)

9. You unplug the microwave when not in use to save money on your electric bill.

(That clock is really an unnecessary expense)

8. Braces on your teeth is a high class status symbol.

(It means you are rich enough to afford dental care)

7. Receiving a box of hand-me-down clothes is like finding a pirate’s treasure chest.

(Trash to some is a treasure to others – Oh look! Broken glass in this dumpster, I could use it as a knife)

6. You never, and I mean NEVER, throw away food.

(Mom said there are starving kids in Africa)

5. A college education might land you a job at McDonalds.

(“Hey, I started out mopping the floor just like you guys. But now… now I’m washing lettuce. Soon I’ll be on fries; then the grill. And pretty soon, I’ll make assistant manager, and that’s when the big bucks start rolling in” – from the movie Coming to America)

4. Tipping your waiter 1% is highly generous.

(I tipped 15% and the waiter came running for me thinking I left my life savings on accident)

3. You start contemplating prostitution as a career because of the horrible economy.

(Hey, I’d fuck me)

2. Having money is like having Jedi mind control powers.

(Cop: “You’re drinking and driving!”

My friend gives the cop some money and is too drunk to say anything else other than: “Nooo, I am nat”

Cop: “Oh my mistake, have a good day”)

1. Minimum wage per month, if you’re lucky enough to find a job, is about $25 – yup 25 U.S. Dollars a month!

(Nuff said)

The big story of Super Bowl Sunday has now been replayed over and over and over again. No I’m not talking about the amazing helmet catch, that thunderous Brady sack, the rise of the second Manning brother, not even the 18 – 1 losing record of the Patriots. I’m talking about the other big story, the story of a girl who found her way.

Kina Grannis, a 22-year-old singer / songwriter, found her claim to fame as she appeared in her own 60-second commercial during Super Bowl Sunday. She won the “Doritos Crash the Super Bowl Challenge” which promised Super Bowl commercial time as well as a record deal with Interscope Records.

Now what’s so amazing about this? Well, aside from the fact that Kina will be my future wife (though she may not know it yet), is that she had done more than just write a song to win this contest. Grannis actually found a way to get more votes online; she was able to Digg out votes. She found a way to succeed.

The singer used some pretty smooth marketing skills to get this win. She captured the hearts and votes of the online community Digg.com. With the use of some viral marketing and a really catchy song, she persuaded this massive community to devote their loyalty to her.

Digg.com is a community-based-news-article-popularity website (now try saying that ten times fast). Digg users post news stories and these articles get promoted to the headline page through a user based ranking system; users “Digg” up articles that they like.

The Web 2.0 phenomena (yes I was able to stay awake when my professor talked about this) suggests that users have more control over the internet than they ever did before. It is now a consumer based platform. It’s consumers selling to other consumers (E-bay), users defining their own worlds (Wikepedia), viewers posting and picking their own amusement (YouTube) and readers posting and picking their own articles (Digg). It’s also communities of people sharing the same interests with no barriers of distance or censorship, and this is where the opportunity lies.

Kina Grannis (she has a beautiful smile too by the way), is a business woman! She’s an entrepreneur, whether she knew it or not. She pulled off some Trump-like business tactic and closed the deal! Grannis wrote a song about Digg that got dug by its enormous community of subscribers. They liked it and they voted for her. Not to mention the fact that this video was also found on YouTube and MySpace which added to her web popularity. Grannis did not merely settle for “hoping that people like her song.” Instead, she used her resources and the power of the web.

So what can we all learn from the girl with the beautiful voice? (Actually, her hair is really beautiful too.) Well I learned that we definitely need to take advantage of our resources. There are many different excuses on why you can or will fail, but you need to find the one way to succeed. There are always different paths we need to take to reach our goals. It may not always be blatantly laid out in front of you, but it’s there. We just need to make sure to keep our eyes open (just like the beautiful open eyes of Kina).

Kina is scheduled to play at the Hotel Café in Los Angeles on Feb. 17^th. I, on the other hand, am waiting for her to play internationally (my restraining warrant only applies in the United States). I love you Kina! We’ll be together soon…

Overconfidence?

Is there such a thing? Is it a good thing or a bad thing?

“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds”
– Albert Einstein.

This quote has played a very big role in my own self esteem and can really be very positive, while being very egotistical and counter-productive at the same time.

I often reflect back to Bill Gates when he decided to drop out of Harvard in order to pursue his dreams. Imagine what his guidance councilor’s reaction to this was? I have so many different scenarios playing in my head, most of which involves the councilor calling Bill F-ing crazy, insane and absolutely idiotic, not necessarily in that order. Bill Gates, and anyone who walks the halls of Harvard, is pretty much guaranteed a six figure income right off the bat. Yet, Bill decided to take the chance, follow his own heart and do his own thing. Today, he is the most financially secure person in the world.

But of course, we have to be realistic. We always hear about the amazing success stories but there are probably 10 failures for every victory. So how can one balance out between having our heads in the clouds but our feet on the ground?

Personally, I’ve always leaned toward taking the chance. Every mistake you make is one that you will learn from. Every mistake you make is one less mistake you will repeat.

“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one”
–Elbert Hubbard.

Yes this may sound too aggressive and outlandish, and yes it is so much easier said than done, especially when you consider having to invest your life savings into your new widget. But I’m not talking about gambling when the odds are stacked in the favor of the casino, no, not gambling, but taking calculated risks in life. There are ways to plan things out, to stack the odds in your favor.

The best way to point yourself in the right direction is to do EVERYTHING you can to ensure success. There are so many other factors that are out of your hands, and those are meant to be left alone. However, aspects that you can control should be researched, planned, understood, structured, studied, debated, marinated, contemplated, practiced, innovated, re-contemplated and any other buzzword you could think of! Oh, and do come up with a plans A, B, C and D.

So far, you need to have confidence and believe in yourself then do everything you can to head towards the right direction. What’s next? What *now?* (*refer back to first blog post.)

“Now”, you have to listen.

Listening is a virtue. It’s so easily said, so frequently misused and too often forgotten.

Overconfidence only happens, when one forgets to listen. When one tunes out everyone else and only hears what you want to hear. You don’t have to agree or disagree with anyone, but you have to listen.

How do you listen? Well you need to be patient with the people who give you advice, but be careful whose advice you take.

There’s one more really, really important thing I need to tell you, which would pretty much make everything I said make so much more sense… it is the key to balancing your confidence….. it is something that one of my greatest mentors had taught me…. Umm it goes something like….. ummmm….. I can’t really remember it….. ahhhhh I wasn’t really listening….